Big Feelings : A Guide for Parents of Children Ages 5–12
Your seven-year-old has been melting down every afternoon after school. Your nine-year-old cries over things that seem small and then can't explain why. Your ten-year-old has started having stomach aches on Sunday nights that disappear by Monday afternoon.
You've read the parenting books. You've tried the calm-down corner. You've given more screen-free time, more connection time, more everything. Some days it helps, and some days it doesn't, and you're starting to wonder whether something deeper is going on. Here's what's usually true: the feelings your child is expressing are your child's way of telling you something they can't yet put into words.
Behavior is communication
If only one thing sticks out, it is this - “Behavior is communication.” It’s not necessarily verbal or clear or logical, but it definitely tells us something- and we can learn much if we practice listening to what our kids are telling us through their behavior.
What "big feelings" actually are
"Big feelings" is a term used when children's emotional responses feel disproportionate to the situation: the massive meltdown over a broken cracker, the inconsolable crying that seems to come from nowhere, the rage that erupts before you can see it coming.
What's actually happening in those moments is not typically just a meltdown or a tantrum. It’s a nervous system that's overwhelmed and dysregulated. The brain's threat detection system (the amygdala) has taken over, and the pre-frontal cortex (the thinking, reasoning, language-using parts of the brain) have gone temporarily offline. Your child isn't misbehaving. They're having a physiological experience they don't yet have the tools to manage.
Why co-regulation comes before self-regulation
One of the most important things developmental research has taught us is that children learn to regulate their emotions through co-regulation first. A calm, present, regulated adult helps a dysregulated child's nervous system settle, not through explanation or consequence, but through presence, tone, and connection. A soothing voice, deep breaths, reminders that they are seen and loved.
This is why "just calm down" doesn't work. A child in the middle of a big feeling literally cannot calm down on command because the regulatory parts of their brain aren't available to them in that moment. What they need is a regulated adult alongside them: steady, warm, not panicked by the feeling even when it's intense, not reacting out of frustration or tiredness or busyness. This is how nervous systems work. It’s not a judgment on your parenting, or your kid.
Signs a child might benefit from counseling
Emotional outbursts that are increasing in frequency or intensity
Persistent worry, fearfulness, or physical symptoms with no medical cause, such as stomach aches or headaches before school
Difficulty with transitions, separations, or new situations
Changes in sleep, appetite, or interest in activities
A significant life event: loss, divorce, a move, a new sibling, family stress
Social difficulties, including struggles with friendships, peer conflict, or isolation
Statements suggesting they feel bad about themselves or don't want to be here
A note on that last sign: if your child ever says they don't want to be here, or talks about not wanting to live, treat it as urgent. Seek help right away, and call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).
What therapy for young children actually looks like
Children don't process their experiences the same way adults do. Sitting down and talking through their feelings in a linear way just doesn’t happen. Instead, they process through play, story, movement, and relationship. Good child therapy meets them where they are, using approaches that fit the developmental stage.
At Ultreya Counseling, we work with children ages 5 and up using approaches grounded in attachment theory and trauma-informed care. Sessions often feel more like play than like "therapy," and that's entirely intentional.
Frequently asked questions
My child seems fine at school but falls apart at home. What does that mean? This is extremely common, and it's actually a good sign about your relationship. Children often hold it together in more formal environments and release everything when they're with the people they feel safest with. It doesn't mean something is wrong at home; it often means home is the place they trust.
How much do you involve parents in child therapy? Parent involvement is essential. We work collaboratively with parents throughout the process, helping you understand what we're working on and giving you tools to support your child at home. After all, a therapist is with a child for an hour or so a week. You are with them the entire time.
Will my child know they're in therapy? We're honest with children about what therapy is, but we use language and framing that fits their age. Most kids experience sessions as time to play and talk with a grown-up who's interested in them.
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Ultreya Counseling offers outdoor therapy for children ages 5 and up in the South Bay, including Manhattan Beach, Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, Torrance, El Segundo, and Palos Verdes. Sessions in English and Spanish. Book a free consultation at ultreyacounseling.com.
